You Are the Zombie Apocalypse

Question:

What's the Best Way to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

Background:

Zombies and the coming zombie apocalypse are all the rage these days.  There are movies, TV shows, Playstation games and a surprising amount of print media about the Zombie Apocalypse and how to survive. But really, what can  you Joe Reader do to prepare?

So What's the Answer?

Forget about it!  Zombie movies and other zombie adventures always focus on those few survivors and their struggle to survive.  We the viewers never seem to notice however that the odds of we common folk being among the survivors is basically zip.  We here at Banal Oratory On Banalness (BOOB) did a little math on the calculator that came built in on our Trac Phone and here's what we found:

In "I Am Legend,"  the Island of Manhattan's population is reduced from 1.6 million to 1.  We know that some of the people got off the island but that the world population, and therefor most of those who escaped the island were killed off later.  

In "Zombie Land," America , population 306.7 million is reduced to a population of 4 or about 1 in 800,000.

So, if the odds of surviving the Apocalypse are between 800,000 and 1.6 million to one, you dear reader are almost certainly toast.  

To help you predict your chances of survival, we've included this handy page view counter with relaxing blue flowers.  To help your odds a bit, we started the counter at 100,000

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If you are visitor 800,000, 1.6 million, 2.4 million or any other multiple of 800,000 congratulations!  You are going to survive.  Our advice to you is buy an uzi and start working on that cardio.

If you are any other visitor we here at BOOB welcome you to our future zombie ranks.  We have two pieces of advice.  

First; try head cheese.  It's made out of brains.  Since you'll be craving it so much later, you might as well get over your squeemishness now.  Try letting it run down your chin and into your shirt.  If you leave it there a few days, you'll also start getting over the smell.

Head Cheese; perfect for that zombie diet

Second, start wearing sweatpants.  Once your a zombie you won't think to change and there's nothing more frustrating than trying to run down a survivor in greasy, dirty, tight jeans.

Don't feel so bad.  Which would you really rather be; struggling for survival and the last shred of human decency or guiltlessly eating the brains of people you've never met?  Come on, be honest.  "Run the red light?  Hell yea!  The guy on the sidewalk over there has still got his brain!"  Ruummmmm!  Thump thump!  Now that's what we call fun!

Got a question?  Drop us a line at obscurequestions@yahoo.com or just leave a comment.  We love comments. 

Supernatural Siren of Cyberspace

Question:

Is the Supernatural Real?

Background:

Humans are fascinated by the unexplained.  From UFO's to ESP we are intrigued by what we cannot understand.  Since this is a very broad topic we here at Bored People Boring Other People (BPBOP) decided to break it down into three basic categories.

1.  The Unexplained Universe:  This would cover space ships, Higher Dimensions, Angelic Beings etc.

2.  The Great Missing Pen Mystery:  We here at BPBOP have discovered that things in our office seldom stay in one place.  Could this be proof of Gremlins or other supernatural beings?

3.  The Way the Internet Remembers Your Search Habits:  Have you ever noticed that, after you've Googled something, ads for it show up everywhere else you go?  What diabolical power fuels this madness?

So What's the Answer?:

To question one, the answer just about has to be yes and no.  For example:  Are there aliens?  Well, if there are 100,000,000 stars in our galaxy and 100,000,000 billion galaxies, then even if the odds of an alien species are only 1 in a billion there are still...um...lots of alien races.  So, yes, there are probably aliens.  On the other hand, think of a number.  Was it 11,235.74?  Damn, so much for mind reading.

We decided to test the second question.  Having placed a pen in our office and then lost it, we hollared for our daughter (who is 14) to come help us find it.  She was able not only to find the missing pen but several other missing pens and the missing block of post-it notes in about 30 seconds.  This tells us either that there is not great pen mystery and we're just getting senile or that our daughter is in cahoots with the gremlins.

We do very much suspect however that supernatural powers do flow through the internet.  Our research indicates that the source of this power may be Felicia Day, an American Actress known for her online show "The Guild."

Do Her Eyes Seem to Follow You?

We first became aware of this strange power after we wrote an article about who Felicia Day was dating a few months ago.  While we only did a few searches on google and youtube as part of the research and watched no more than 14 hours of her show "Vaginal Fantasies," we have since been bombarded with a constant stream of ads and "selected for us" featuring Ms. Day.  Did you know she's a part of something called "The Flog" or that her show "The Guild" has its own Munchkin Card Game cards?  We do because the internet has bent it's cruel will towards us.  Gone are all the fun ads we used to get for mutual funds and reconstructive knee surgery!  Oh the heady days of eye care commercials and retirement planning seminars.  We never loved you enough!

Sigh.  

So, are supernatural events occurring?  Check ad at the side of this post?  Is it her?

Master Yoda put it best:  "Once you start down Day's path, forever will she rule your destiny.

Got a question?  Drop us a line at obscurequestions@yahoo.com or just leave a comment.  We love comments.