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Saturday, February 9, 2013
You Are the Zombie Apocalypse
What's the Best Way to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?
Zombies and the coming zombie apocalypse are all the rage these days. There are movies, TV shows, Playstation games and a surprising amount of print media about the Zombie Apocalypse and how to survive. But really, what can you Joe Reader do to prepare?
So What's the Answer?
Forget about it! Zombie movies and other zombie adventures always focus on those few survivors and their struggle to survive. We the viewers never seem to notice however that the odds of we common folk being among the survivors is basically zip. We here at Banal Oratory On Banalness (BOOB) did a little math on the calculator that came built in on our Trac Phone and here's what we found:
In "I Am Legend," the Island of Manhattan's population is reduced from 1.6 million to 1. We know that some of the people got off the island but that the world population, and therefor most of those who escaped the island were killed off later.
In "Zombie Land," America , population 306.7 million is reduced to a population of 4 or about 1 in 800,000.
So, if the odds of surviving the Apocalypse are between 800,000 and 1.6 million to one, you dear reader are almost certainly toast.
To help you predict your chances of survival, we've included this handy page view counter with relaxing blue flowers. To help your odds a bit, we started the counter at 100,000
If you are visitor 800,000, 1.6 million, 2.4 million or any other multiple of 800,000 congratulations! You are going to survive. Our advice to you is buy an uzi and start working on that cardio.
If you are any other visitor we here at BOOB welcome you to our future zombie ranks. We have two pieces of advice.
First; try head cheese. It's made out of brains. Since you'll be craving it so much later, you might as well get over your squeemishness now. Try letting it run down your chin and into your shirt. If you leave it there a few days, you'll also start getting over the smell.
Head Cheese; perfect for that zombie diet
Second, start wearing sweatpants. Once your a zombie you won't think to change and there's nothing more frustrating than trying to run down a survivor in greasy, dirty, tight jeans.
Don't feel so bad. Which would you really rather be; struggling for survival and the last shred of human decency or guiltlessly eating the brains of people you've never met? Come on, be honest. "Run the red light? Hell yea! The guy on the sidewalk over there has still got his brain!" Ruummmmm! Thump thump! Now that's what we call fun!
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